The Family
The Family: Even Before They Know . . .
When there is an active sexual addiction in a family, the effects can be devastating, not just for the partners of the sex and porn addict but also for their children. It can compromise and threaten the essence of the family, its stability, reputation, financial security, and health. All suffer the loss of the addict’s time and attention as the addiction progresses, and all must cope with the emotional confusion that the addict’s secret life brings into the home. Many spouses come to us after years of feeling that they were crazy, or that their spouse’s lack of interest in them sexually was their fault, or that the lack of intimacy was a norm that they must learn to live with. Shame-producing attempts to “investigate” or control the addict may become the partner’s way of coping with these fears.
When the sex addiction is finally revealed, strong feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, confusion, and fear will frequently surface. Can the family recover from this overwhelming experience? An essential first step is for them to come to understand that:
• Sex addiction is not the partner's fault.
• Sexual addiction is a disease, not a matter of self-indulgence, moral weakness, hedonism, or even choice. Women as well as men can be sex, porn, and love addicts too. • Sex addiction isn’t “done at” someone else or because of someone else, though of course it has a highly personal impact on significant others that must be addressed and repaired if possible..
• Sex addicts have learned to use sex as a coping mechanism. He or she turns to sexual behavior as their problem-solver, but ultimately and inevitably the problem-solver has become the problem. for the addict and for all those around him or her.
• Supportive and effective treatment means that the therapeutic focus must initially be on encouraging the partner to own and express the feelings of betrayal, anger, and mistrust that the discovery of the sexual addiction has caused.
•. Over time, as the partner is supported in working through their betrayal trauma, he or she becomes freed up to begin his or her own recovery process. Developing a healthy focus on oneself then becomes the centerpiece of therapy.
• Couples therapy is also essential if the family unit is going to have the chance–and the choice–to remain intact. The couple needs support to work toward a future in which intimacy can be possible. Over time, if both partner and addict are willing to do their their individual and joint recovery work, a new basis for trust can be established